Saturday, January 7, 2012

Hidden Agendas

I was raised in a large family. Each of us children had chores that was required of us in order to keep the home in a livable state. The girls were responsible for the cooking, laundry and cleaning. The boys had to maintaing the hardwood floors, the garbage and the landscaping and handiwork. You can imagine the chaos that could result if no one abided by the rules set by my mom.

I figured that this is how it was supposed to be in every home, right? Wrong! I learned that in my first relationship, which resulted in marriage but was quickly followed by divorce.

I expected him to be like my brothers. I had a hidden agency for the chores he was to be responsible for with our even discussing them with him. When I found myself upset that he did not perform these tasks at his own will, I realized that it was not fair to expect it of him. I was imposing my upbringing onto him.

What hidden agendas have you imposed on your loved one (s). These chores can have devastating affects on relationships. So trash the agenda and communicate your needs to them and allow them to chose which chores they are comfortable taking on. Once you have a mutual agreement there is no resentment.


Armi Niemi said...

Great post. :) In my family tasks fall to the one who can do the task the best. So, there isn't much of men' chores and womens' chores but depending on who can do it the best (although due to physical differencies when men are stronger the things that require more strength fall to him naturally). My hubby does the grocery shopping also (although being a man he rarely buys any extra goodies like chocolate etc. lol)

Rob Scott said...

I think now that getting the jobs done is more of a team effort than about who we think should be doing them. With people working so much at the moment it's more a case of just getting the job done and sharing the workload. Our house has an unwritten 'if it needs doing do it' policy so we can keep on top of things.